I will find you

This couldn’t be it, she thought while she stood there looking at him. She had no more tears left to cry, no more feelings left to feel, she just stood there, looking at his lifeless body. This wasn’t what we agreed upon, she thought. We said we’d stay together for ever, for an eternity, we would grow old together, sit on that bench near the pond looking at the geese come back from their long flight after a long winter. He broke his promise and now he was lying there, white as a sheet and cold, so very cold. People came to her and talked to her but she barely heard what they said. She wished they’d all leave.
She wanted to be alone, even if it was just for one more minute, for one more moment to hold his hand.

She looked up when someone touched her arm. They said it was time to close the coffin.
No, she shook her head, it wasn’t. Just give me one fucking minute alone. She had said it out loud hadn’t she? They were all staring at her so she must have. She didn’t care. Someone closed the doors and she was alone with him.
She walked to the man she had known and loved for so long.

‘This isn’t fair’ she whispered ‘you promised me.’

She took his cold, ice cold, hand in hers and stood and watched, waited. Someone coughed behind her but she shook her head, no, not yet. It wasn’t time yet. She looked at his face again, a few days ago those now closed eyes had looked at her all bright and smiling and he had said;

‘If something ever happens, wait for me. I will find you again wherever you are.’

She had laughed at him but he was so serious. She leaned forward and kissed his cold lips and whispered ‘Wait for me, I will find you again.’
 

This time when they came she had to let go. She swallowed hard when they closed the coffin. She didn’t hear the people around her saying how sorry they were how he would be missed.
She just stood there numb to all of it, repeating in her head; ‘wait for me, I will find you wherever you are.’

The weeks that followed went by in a daze. She did things without feeling them without really noticing. Just on autopilot she thought. Autumn came and went, the dreaded December month came and went. She made herself scares from friends and family. Maybe it wasn’t a good thing but on the other hand… for her it was the best thing she could do. She knew she could live without him, but she didn’t want to. Life had no meaning without someone who you connect with, share things with, laugh with, or even cry with. Before she knew him she felt alone in life, when she met him she felt a connection like it was meant to be, like she knew him before. He once said it was from another life time. She’d always mocked him for it but now that he was gone, she started to think he’d been right about that. One January morning she walked to the pond and sat on the bench were she had been sitting a lot with him. She remembered when they first met. She was sitting right here on this very spot, looking at the ducks feeling alone and sorry for herself when he came sitting next to her with a loaf of bread to feed the ducks. He didn’t say much, just smiled so lovely and warm at first. Before he even spoke she knew what he was going to say.

‘Fancy meeting you here’ he said and smiled. 

She had never even seen him before and yet… She knew him from somewhere.

‘I know you’ she said ‘Don’t I?’

‘Yes’ he smiled.

‘I’ve never seen you before though’

‘No you haven’t’ again the smile.

‘But how?’ 

‘I’ve found you’ he simply said.

That was 10 years ago. Just 10 years! That was nothing! He was just 34 when he died. They were supposed to grow old together, here, and right here on this bench.
She spent her days on the bench. Watching winter end and spring begin, the geese returning from wherever they’ve been. Still she hadn’t cried. Not a single tear. All the while she just sat there during the day numb really and lying awake half the night.

‘You have to cry’ her mum said ‘this isn’t good you holding it all in’

She just looked at her and shrugged. How would you know, she thought. I lost my soulmate, my reason for being.
Spring went and summer came, summer went and autumn came and it was already one year since he’d passed. She just couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t go on like this, without him. Year after year went by, and still she felt numb and no one could help her. She wouldn’t let them get close enough. Not anymore. She kept everyone at a distance. It hurt too much.

After a couple of years, winter was just starting to leave; she sat on the bench when the geese came back.

While she looked at the geese she felt a tug at her jacket and a little voice said; ‘I’m back, I’ve found you again.’

She looked up startled at a little boy who could be no older than three years old. He stood there smiling a warm smile and held out his arms for a hug.
She hesitated but she held out her arms and the boy jumped on her lap and cuddled her.

‘Did you miss me?’ he asked.

‘I…’ she didn’t know what to say.

‘It’s me!’ the boy said again nodding. ‘Sorry I had to leave early don’t be sad anymore’

She looked at the boy again and when she looked in his eyes she felt it. All of a sudden she started to cry. All the tears from years past came flooding out and she couldn’t stop them.

‘There, there’ the boy said patting her arm.

‘I’m so sorry’ a woman’s voice came ‘Is he bothering you? Don’t you run away from me young man!’

‘Oh, no he isn’t’ she said ‘it’s just something he said that was so touching’

‘Yes’ the woman said ‘he does that. It’s a strange boy’

‘He isn’t your son then?’ she said drying her eyes.

‘Oh no’ the woman said ‘he’s an orphan. I’m his foster mother for the time being until there is someone who wants to adopt him. But strangely enough everyone who has had him in their care for a while brought him back. Like I said… He’s a strange boy’  

The boy looked from the woman to her as if he wasn’t three years old but 34 and understood everything. He nodded to her.

‘Can I have one more moment with him?’ she asked the woman. ‘We were just about to feed the geese’

‘Well, alright, I’ll wait here’.

She stood up and took the boy’s hand to walk towards the pond. When they were feeding the geese he said; ‘Do you want to be my mummy?’

‘Do you want me to?’ She asked in return.

‘Oh yes I do, but it can be strange you know’

‘Strange?’

‘Yes, for you’

She kneeled down to look the boy in the eyes; ‘is it you?’ she asked ‘have you come back?’

‘Yes’ he said.

‘How do I know that?’

The boy put his hand on her cheek and smiled ‘because’ was all he said. 

He turned around and skipped back to the woman on the bench.

She looked at him and heard him say; ‘it’s okay now, she is going to be my mummy!’

She knew he chose her and he would choose her over and over again, in any lifetime, whenever, wherever because he said so.
It would be a different role this time, but better a different role than no role at all. 

© KH