Gone mind

They think I’m mad, they all think I’m absolutely bonkers. I’m not you know; I do see him. Every day I do. He comes by and sits on the sofa and I ask him if he would like some coffee. When I turn around to make him some I talk to him and when I come back with his cup of coffee he has disappeared on me. My daughter came in the other day asking if I’ve had a visitor because she saw the coffee cup. How could I tell her it was his, her dad’s coffee? She wouldn’t understand and yell at me again. She does that a lot; yell at me.

If I forget to go to the bathroom before we go grocery shopping; she yells at me just right there in the middle of the street. It’s just so embarrassing. I would never do that to her and she knows it. The other day she told me she went to visit a nursing home for me to stay in. I told her I wasn’t planning on going to one any time soon. I like my house where I live now. My neighbourhood, my next door neighbour is asking me every Wednesday to come over to have a coffee, on two afternoons a week I go play cards with another neighbour. No, I won’t let her drag me off to some home. I’m not old yet. Besides, he wouldn’t know where to find me.

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‘Hello darling are you back again? How was your day? I miss you when you’re gone. Where on earth are you going off to? Can’t you take me with you some day? Oh you would like a coffee, coming right up, promise you will stay right there, love’

‘Mum, who are you talking to?’

‘Oh hello dear, I was just making some coffee, would you like some too?’

‘Yes sure but who were you talking to?’

‘You know I always talk in myself, sweetheart’

‘Hm, I don’t know mum. Oh mum, look what a mess your closet is! We cleaned it up just two days ago’

‘Is it? Perhaps it’s because I couldn’t find my favourite sweater, you know the one I bought with your dad’

‘Oh mum, you know that one doesn’t fit you anymore. We threw it away together remember?’

‘Did we? Oh yes we did. Sorry dear, I will clean up the mess myself I promise’

‘Mum, I just spoke to your neighbour before coming in. She told me you told her I’m always yelling at you. That hurts mum, you know I don’t. Why do you say these things to people?’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. You know the neighbour, she’s a tattletale. Here is your coffee’

‘Mum why do you have three cups of coffee? Are you expecting company?’

‘Oh no silly me, I just made one too many. Oh well, I’ll just put it right here on the table’

‘Where dad used to sit… mum are you alright?’

‘I just miss him dear, that’s all’

See, she thinks I’m mad. I’m not, honest I’m not. But he is right there. Why can’t she see him? Why can I see him? He smiles at me and gives me a wink. Then he puts his finger on his mouth, blows me a kiss and poof he’s gone again. It’s so confusing.
I turn to my daughter; ‘How was your day dear?’ but she doesn’t buy it. She wants to know about the mess and the cup of coffee. About so many other things that are going wrong. She wants me to go with her to see a doctor. There’s nothing wrong with me, if I want to be with my husband why can’t I?

‘Mum, you do know dad is dead right?’ my daughter asks.

‘Of course I do’ I look over to where he just has reappeared. He is laughing about her question.

‘Stop it’ I laugh with him. I can’t help myself but my daughter glances over to the couch and her worried look tells me enough.

‘Darling, it’s okay’ I tell her ‘your dad comes to visit me from time to time. Let me enjoy it while it lasts’

‘Mum’ her eyes filling with tears ‘I’m afraid to lose you as well. I’m scared you have early dementia’

‘Oh no’ I shrug ‘don’t be silly’

My daughter is not one to give up easily. She picks up the phone and rings the doctor to make an appointment. My husband smiles reassuringly.

‘I’m afraid to lose you again’ I whisper.

‘Don’t worry’ he whispers back ‘we will find each other again, we always do’

He smiles, winks and poof is gone as soon as my daughter has finished her call.

‘Tomorrow is our appointment mum’ she says ‘I’ll come pick you up at 9pm. Here I’ll write it down for you’

And when I look at her I see a single tear rolling slowly down her cheek.

‘What’s the matter darling?’ I ask her ‘why are you sad?’

She takes my hand and smiles ‘Nothing mum. It’s going to be okay’

© KH